This Memorial Day my wife was working and I made an attempt to invite a friend to lunch unsuccessfully as they had other plans. I could have gone to my mom's for a BBQ but I could not get a car on such short notice and taking the journey without my wife just doesn't feel right somehow. So I decided to do my normal routine of yoga and meditation and then a brisk walk in Central Park to see what people are up to. I started out on my walk as immediately saw that the park was hopping with activity including lots of BBQing, lots of kids, lots of friends and lots of pets strewn about everywhere I could look. There was a lot of energy and excitement happening. I took my usual walk that takes me about 45 minutes to an hour depending on my pace all the while absorbing and enjoying the nice weather and the great energy in the park. I was really enjoying myself watching everyone having fun from adults to children to all the silly incredibly cute dogs of all types and sizes people brought to the park with them as family members. It was a great hour in the park and then I went home to watch Kundun which I hadn't seen in years and wanted to revisit. Incredibly, someone had uploaded the entire movie on to Youtube so I didn't even have to rent it and just plugged my laptop into my flatscreen to watch.
Later that evening when my wife came home I noticed a bit of stagnant energy and perhaps a little sadness or depression in my mood. I'm well aware of impermanence and how moods and everything else is always shifting and changing but I wanted to look a little deeper and perhaps find the source.
All of a sudden it came to me that I believe I was subconsciously sad that I spent the day alone despite feeding off of all the positive exciting energy of the park that day. It was a great realization because for so many years prior to my recent meditation practice and understanding, I would be very depressed with lots of self pity telling myself "you are alone because there's something wrong with you" or "you are alone because you are a bad person inside" or many other self criticizing and destructive thoughts.
It's amazing to think that I am now able to actually enjoy time alone and not beat myself up and feed off of the energy of others that I used to envy and be jealous of. Of course I was still feeling it subconsciously as I later realized that day but I wasn't beating myself up or criticizing myself about it and just letting the loneliness exist quietly within me in a much less intrusive and negative way than I've done for most of my life.
This is really huge for me and I'm glad the sadness was there just enough for me to pause and reflect and see how much progress I've made with my mindfulness meditation and the peace, balance, and hope it is bringing into my life slowly but surely.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and share in my progress as a sentient being. Feel free to comment and please subscribe to this blog if you want to read more about my maturation through vipassana meditation.
Be well.
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